Worried About Dad

Dear Experts,

My wife's mother has obtained power of attorney for her father and placed him in an old soldiers' home in another county. Because he tried to leave the facility, he was drugged and placed in a lock down environment with patients with considerably worse problems. He is 83 and suffers from depression, which I suspect was brought on by his wife's mental abuse. The conditions at the facility are horrible.

This man has four children who care very much for him and have desperately tried to persuade their mother to allow him to be moved to a much better facility in the community where he has lived his entire life. They love him very much, are willing to spend the money for a facility where he can be visited daily, and fear that his mental and physical health will rapidly deteriorate unless he is quickly moved. Their mother will not allow it and resists all reasonable and logical attempts to improve his situation. The children are devastated and fear their father will soon die. I believe the mother's reasons for keeping him away from his family are bitterness, revenge and embarrassment. Can you offer any advice?

Mary Joy Quinn, Director of Probate Services of the San Francisco Superior Court, responds:

This sounds like an extremely difficult and painful situation involving relationships that have been poor for a number of years. Without knowing more, it's impossible to tell if the father is in need of a secured placement. If he has a dementing illness and wanders, he may not be safe in an open facility. Have the children talked with a doctor or any medical personnel? Another factor to consider is the father's attitude towards his placement. Has family counseling been tried? Is there a family friend who could talk with the mother? I presume the children have tried talking with her.

The children could take charge of the situation by filing for guardianship. This would involve seeing an attorney who specializes in Probate law. They should try to get a knowledgeable, compassionate attorney. The mother will probably object to the proceedings, which could create a family crisis but that may be preferable to the current situation. The adult children may also not be in complete agreement with each other. If the father is alert enough to know the family is in conflict, it will be hard on him too. These things are never easy.